Funny Cannabis jokes

We don’t take ourselves too seriously here at The Vault and you’ll notice that we like to have some fun by sharing memes and puns around Cannabis.

Ok, yes, we share some more serious stuff too like the latest medical Cannabis stories and the like, but in this post, we’re going to try and create a laugh or two with some of the best jokes sourced from the information superhighway!

As part of this post, we’re going to ask you to vote for your best jokes in the comments. If we think you’ve given us the best joke (that isn’t listed below), then you’ll win x10 seeds from Phoenix Seeds.

Ok, so let’s go – prepare to get the giggles! 😉

  1. Q: How do you know you are a true stoner? A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!

2.    With cannabis being legal for over a year in Canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui’d

3.    When Obi-Wan retired, he bought an island, he got married, he built a house, and most importantly, he started growing cannabis.

He now had a high ground.

4.    Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

5.    Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

6.    I once knew a rapper who used cannabis-infused citrus as chewing tobacco

He spat some dope limes

7.    What do you call it when a Cambodian dictator opens up a restaurant in his Cannabis plantation?

Pol Pot’s Pot Plot Hot Pot.

8.    It’s pretty strange, doctors are now prescribing cannabis for arthritis sufferers…

I mean, the definition of arthritis is “inflammation of the joints”

9.    I thought I was in heaven when I happened upon a shack in the middle of the desert. It had a sign that read, ‘Cannabis Hut, get baked for free!’

Apparently, cannibals can’t spell very well.

10.  A cop stopped a man smoking cannabis while driving

The officer asked “how high are you?”

The man replied “no officer, it’s hi how are you”

11.       I was carefully measuring out a dab of Cannabis extract for my roommate, when she said,

“Did you remember to– Oh, nevermind; you’re concentrating.”

12.       What do you call a potato that’s high?

A baked potato.

  1. Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs? A: Double jointed.
  1. Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers? A: Malnutrition.
  1. Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because pot holder was taken
  1. Q: Did you hear about the kid that overdosed on weed? A: Neither did I.
  1. Q: What do you call a family that grows Marijuana in their backyard? A: A Joint Family.
  1. Q: What do you call a stoners wife? A: Mississippi
  1. Q: What does marijuana and the Carolina Panthers have in common? A: They both get smoked in bowls.
  1. If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours, followed by a global food shortage.
  1. Q: What is a stoner’s idea of a balanced diet? A: A joint in each hand!
  1. Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? A: Han So-high
  1. Q: What do you call an apple pie getting high in Mcdonalds? A: A baked apple pie.
  1. Q: What did the stoners girlfriend say? A: If I can’t marry a dude, i’ll Mary Jane
  1. Q: What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit!
  1. Q: What do you call money that grows on trees? A: Marijuana
  1. Q: What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A: A baked potato.
  1. Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
  1. Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A: Wave.
  1. Q: What did the frog say after lighting up? A: Don’t Worry be Hoppy?
  2. Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana? A: A pot belly
  1. Q: How do you know you’re a pothead? A: You studied five days for a urine test?
  1. Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman while getting high? A: Park in it dude
  1. Q: What does a mermaid smoke? A: Seaweed.
  1. Q: Why did the pot head plant cheerios? A: He thought they were donut seeds.
  1. Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!
  1. Q: What is Reality? A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
  1. Q. How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad? A. I don’t know! I’ve never had it longer than an hour!
  1. Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu? A: Tokemon!
  1. Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving? A. The cop!
  1. Q: What type of pizza does a potheads eat? A: STONEBAKED!
  1. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock go back in time to Haight Street in the 1970’s. As they are walking around, looking for something to bring back to the crew, a street dealer notices and asks them what they want. Kirk tells him he wants to surprise everyone on the ship. The man opens his jacket and shows him several varieties of good weed. Kirk says, “Would you mind if I open them and take a whiff?” “Of course!” says the dealer. He lets the Captain hold several of the bags and Kirk suddenly nods to Spock, at which point Spock pulls out his communicator and says excitedly: “O.K. Mr. Scott. beam us up NOW!”
  1. Me: “I only smoke weed because of Cancer.”

Mom: “You don’t have Cancer!”

Me: “So it’s working…”

  1. A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.

The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.

So the little lizard climbed up the tree.

The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.

The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.

Well there is a river just down there.

So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.

All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.

Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, “I just got stoned with my pal the monkey.”

“Really” said the croc, “where is he I want some.”

He is through the brush and up the tree.

So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.

The monkey said “holy shit how much did you drink little buddy.”

  1. Q: How can you tell if you have smoked too much weed?

A: You can’t smoke too much weed.

  1. Q: What did the Nickelback fan say to the other Nickelback fan when they ran out of weed?

A: Man, this music sucks.

  1. If there was someone selling drugs around here, weed know
  1. What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair

  1. What’s a convicts favourite chore.


  1. What do you call a restaurant that sells food that contains weed?


So there you are. Our favourite weed jokes sourced from all around the web! Can you do better? If so, drop them in the comments or on our social media pages.

SOURCES: & upjoke & worldofweed & unijokes &

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